Escape to Perth Paradise: Ellard Bed & Breakfast Awaits!
Okay, buckle up, buttercup! This isn't your grandma's hotel review. We're diving headfirst into the Perth Paradise… or whatever they call it… Ellard Bed & Breakfast thingy. Prepare for a rollercoaster of opinions, tangents, and maybe even a few tears (of joy, hopefully).
Escape to Perth Paradise: Ellard Bed & Breakfast Awaits! - A Deep Dive (and I Mean Deep)
Right, let's get this straight. I'm a sucker for a good escape. Perth? Paradise? Ellard? Sounds promising! My expectations? High. My tolerance for disappointment? Low. Let's see if this place can deliver.
First Impressions & Accessibility - The Ground Floor, Literally and Figuratively
Okay, first, accessibility. This is huge for me, and honestly, a deal-breaker if it's not done right. Ellard's website claims to be accessible. We'll see. They mention "facilities for disabled guests" which is vague as hell. Does that mean a ramp? A grab bar in the bathroom? A room actually designed for someone with mobility issues? This is where I'd want them to be incredibly specific. Pictures of the accessible room, dimensions of the bathroom, the whole nine yards. If they don't have it, they need to get it. Accessibility is a must in this day and age. Frankly, it's just good business.
Okay, Let's Assume They're Decent (For Now) - The Vibe Check
So, assuming the accessibility is up to snuff (we're crossing our fingers!), what else is there? The website boasts "free Wi-Fi in all rooms!" Hallelujah! No more paying extra for the privilege of scrolling through Instagram. And speaking of rooms…
The Room: My Temporary Fortress (and the Small Annoyances that Make it Real)
The room descriptions are pretty standard. Air conditioning? Check. Blackout curtains? YES! (Sleep is sacred.) A desk for laptop work? Excellent. A safe box? Always a good idea. They also mention… an "extra long bed." Okay, that’s interesting. I'm not super tall, but I appreciate the thought. Now, the devil's in the details. I'm talking about the nitty-gritty stuff: The quality of the bed linens (scratchy? soft?), the water pressure in the shower (a trickle? a power wash?), the availability of outlets (enough for all my devices, or do I need to fight for them?). These are the things that make or break a stay.
They also have "complimentary tea." This is an absolute must-have, but they better have a proper kettle and a decent selection of teas, not just those sad, flavorless tea bags. Don't skimp on the tea, Ellard! It's a crime. And the "slippers." Are they the flimsy, disposable kind, or the plush, "I could wear these all day" kind? These are the important questions people.
The Food & Drink - Will My Stomach Survive?
Alright, let's talk about the fuel. The dining situation is… extensive. A la carte, buffet, Asian breakfast, Western breakfast, coffee shop, restaurants, room service (24-hour!), poolside bar, snack bar… it's a veritable smorgasbord of options. But here's the thing: quality matters. A massive buffet is useless if the food is bland and lukewarm. A fancy restaurant is wasted if the service is slow and pretentious.
They mention a "vegetarian restaurant." Score! But how extensive is the vegetarian menu? Are there actually options, or just a sad salad and some steamed vegetables? And the "bottle of water" is nice, but is it a tiny little thing, or a decent-sized bottle that will actually quench my thirst? Details, people, details!
The Relaxing Stuff - Spa Days and Saunas (Maybe?)
Okay, the "ways to relax" section has me intrigued. A pool with a view? Yes, please! Sauna, spa, steam room? Sign me up! A fitness center? Well, maybe. I say I'll use it, but let's be honest, I'm probably more likely to hit the happy hour.
Here's where the Ellard Bed & Breakfast NEEDS to shine. This is what makes a place memorable. Is the spa actually relaxing? Is the massage worth the price? Is the pool area clean and inviting? Is the sauna a blissful escape from the world? This is where the experience really matters. I’d like to see some real-life anecdotes here. "The sauna was amazing! I sat there, sweating out all my stress, and then plunged into the cold pool. Pure heaven! Or, "The massage was a bit meh, the therapist was nice, but the pressure wasn't quite right."
Cleanliness and Safety - Because We're Living in a Pandemic, People!
Alright, let's get serious for a sec. Cleanliness and safety are PARAMOUNT right now. Ellard claims to have all the right protocols: anti-viral cleaning products, daily disinfection, hand sanitizer, etc. But talk is cheap. I want to see it in action. Are staff wearing masks? Are surfaces being wiped down regularly? Are the common areas clean and well-maintained? Are they offering room sanitization opt-out? (I like that!)
Oh, And the Kids…
Babysitting service? Okay. Family-friendly? Good. Kids meals? Fine. But is there an actual play area? Some space for the little ones to run around and let off steam? Because trust me, if you're traveling with kids, you need a place for them to, well, be kids.
The "Extras" - The Little Things That Make a Difference
- The "Facilities for disabled guests" - We covered that already.
- "Essential condiments" - What? This is so vague. What are we talking about here? Salt, pepper, ketchup? Or something more exciting?
- "Invoice provided" - Good. I need that.
- "Luggage storage" - Essential for late checkouts or early arrivals.
- "Concierge" - Helpful if they are helpful.
- "Daily housekeeping" - A must for me.
- "Pet's allowed unavailable" - Okay, no pets. Fine.
- "Car Park [free of charge]" - YES!
- "Car power charging station" - Bonus points!
- "Airport transfer" - Convenient.
Getting Around - The Logistics of Escape
Airport transfer? Nice. Car park? Even better (and free!). Taxi service? Handy. But what about public transport? Is the B&B easily accessible by bus or train? If not, that's a significant downside for those without a car.
The Quirks - The Stuff That Makes It Interesting
They mention a "shrine." Huh? A shrine? That's… unusual. Is it a religious shrine? A memorial? A tribute to the owner's favorite cat? I'm intrigued. This is the kind of detail that makes a place memorable. Also, "room decorations." What kind? Modern minimalist? Vintage chic? Or something… else?
My Unfiltered Verdict (So Far)
Ellard Bed & Breakfast has potential. The amenities sound promising, but the execution is key. I need to know more about the accessibility, the quality of the food, the cleanliness, and the overall atmosphere. I want to feel like I'm escaping to paradise, not just staying in a generic hotel room.
The Offer (And Why You Should Book… Maybe)
Alright, Ellard, here’s my pitch to make me want to book:
"Escape to Perth Paradise: Ellard Bed & Breakfast Awaits! (But Only if You're Ready for the Good Stuff)
Tired of the same old boring hotel experience? Yearning for a getaway that's more than just a place to sleep? Then Ellard Bed & Breakfast might be your ticket to bliss… IF…
- You crave relaxation: Imagine yourself lounging by a pool with a stunning view, melting away stress in the sauna, and indulging in a massage that actually works. (We're hoping Ellard delivers on this one.)
- You're a foodie: From Asian breakfasts to Western cuisine, Ellard promises a culinary adventure. (But let's be real, we're secretly hoping for the world's best coffee and a killer vegetarian menu.)
- You demand convenience: Free Wi-Fi? Check. 24-hour room service? Check. Airport transfer? Double-check.
- You value safety and cleanliness: Ellard is committed to keeping you safe and healthy. (We're trusting they're serious about it.)
Here's the deal:
- Book your stay at Ellard Bed & Breakfast now, and get a FREE bottle of local wine upon arrival. (Because you deserve it!)
- Mention this review, and receive a 10% discount on your first spa treatment. (Because everyone needs a little pampering.)
- **We're also offering a "guaranteed escape"
Ellard Bed & Breakfast: My Perth Pilgrimage (A Disaster of Delight?)
Okay, buckle up, buttercups. This isn't your perfectly-curated Instagram feed. This is real life, Perth-style, as experienced (and possibly, survived) by yours truly at the Ellard Bed & Breakfast. Prepare for a rollercoaster of emotions, questionable decisions, and a whole lotta sunshine.
Day 1: Arrival & Awkward Introductions (aka, "Help, I'm in Someone's House!")
- Morning (7:00 AM - 9:00 AM): Ugh. The flight. Let's just say I'm still recovering from the transatlantic journey. My neck feels like it's been in a wrestling match with a brick. Landed in Perth, sun blasting my face. Already regretting my decision to pack only black clothes. Finding Ellard. The address looked straightforward, the directions, not so much. Ended up circling the block three times, convinced I'd accidentally booked myself into a maximum-security prison.
- 9:00 AM - 10:00 AM: Finally, the gate! The B&B is quaint, bordering on too quaint. Think doilies, floral wallpaper, and a faint smell of…something. (Lavender? Mothballs? The jury's still out.) Met Margaret, the owner. Sweet as pie, bless her heart, but she has this intensely focused gaze that makes you feel like you're constantly being assessed. First impression: I'm going to be terrible at this B&B thing.
- 10:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Settled in. Room's nice enough. The bed is…firm. Like, really firm. I'm pretty sure I'll need a chiropractor by the end of the week. The view from the window is lovely though. Green, trees, and what I think is a kookaburra laughing maniacally in the distance. (Probably at my travel choices.)
- 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM: Lunch at a local cafe. Ordered a "vegemite sandwich" because, when in Rome… or Perth, I guess. Turns out, vegemite is an acquired taste. I'm still acquiring. Let's just say, my face contorted into a grimace that would frighten small children. The waitress, bless her soul, just smiled and said, "It'll grow on ya, love." I sincerely doubt it.
- 1:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Wandering around the neighborhood. Perth is…charming. Lots of parks, friendly faces, and an overwhelming sense of calm. I'm starting to relax, which is probably a dangerous sign. Found a cute little bookshop and bought a novel. Hopefully, I can keep my eyes open long enough to read it.
- 4:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Napping. The firm bed is calling my name. Woke up feeling slightly disoriented, but refreshed. The sun is setting, painting the sky in gorgeous hues of pink and orange. Maybe Perth isn't so bad after all…
- 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM: Dinner at Ellard. Margaret's cooking. The food is… wholesome. I'm pretty sure I just ate a vegetable I've never seen before. It tasted vaguely of dirt, but in a good way? I think? Trying to be polite, but the thought of tomorrow's meal is already making my stomach churn.
- 7:00 PM - 9:00 PM: Attempted to watch TV. The TV is ancient, the channels are limited, and the reception is…well, let's just say it's about as clear as my current understanding of Australian slang. Gave up and read my book. Success!
- 9:00 PM - Bedtime: Bed. Praying for a miracle in the form of a softer mattress. Also, praying I don't accidentally break anything in this house.
Day 2: Cottesloe Beach & Coastal Chaos (aka, "The Sun, The Sand, and My Utter Incompetence")
- Morning (7:00 AM - 9:00 AM): Breakfast. Margaret's cooking again. Today's mystery ingredient: something that resembles a green bean, but with a strange, almost metallic aftertaste. I'm starting to suspect she's trying to subtly poison me. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.
- 9:00 AM - 10:00 AM: The plan: Cottesloe Beach! Heard it's beautiful, iconic, all that jazz. Got on the bus. Made a rookie mistake: forgot to check the route. Ended up on a scenic tour of… the suburbs. Sigh.
- 10:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Finally, Cottesloe! The beach is stunning. The water is turquoise, the sand is white, and the sun is…relentless. Got sunburnt in approximately 15 minutes. Applied sunscreen, but apparently, not enough. My shoulder is currently screaming at me.
- 12:00 PM - 2:00 PM: Attempted to swim. The waves were bigger than I expected. Got knocked over. Swallowed half the ocean. Emerged looking like a drowned rat. Decided to stick to sunbathing. (Bad idea.)
- 2:00 PM - 3:00 PM: Lunch at a beachside cafe. Fish and chips. Delicious. Worth the sunburn.
- 3:00 PM - 5:00 PM: More beach. More sun. More sunburn. Discovered a small, crab. Named him Kevin. Kevin was very judgmental.
- 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM: The bus back to the B&B. This time, I actually checked the route. Victory! Except I fell asleep and almost missed my stop.
- 6:00 PM - 7:00 PM: Dinner at Ellard. Another culinary adventure. Tonight's special: a dish that resembles a baked potato, but with…stuffing? And…mystery meat? I'm starting to think I'm a contestant on some bizarre reality show.
- 7:00 PM - 9:00 PM: Trying to watch TV again. Still hopeless. Gave up and went to bed, vowing to buy a new mattress when I get home.
Day 3: Kings Park & Kookaburras (aka, "Nature, and My Ongoing Battle with Gravity")
- Morning (7:00 AM - 9:00 AM): Breakfast. The mystery ingredient this morning: something that looks like a tiny, green…thing. I'm starting to question my life choices.
- 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Kings Park! Beautiful gardens, stunning views of the city, and… hills. Lots and lots of hills. I'm not exactly known for my athletic prowess. Hiking up those hills was a struggle. My legs are currently screaming. But the view from the top was worth it. Seriously breathtaking.
- 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM: Lunch at a cafe in the park. Ordered a sandwich. It was…fine. Nothing to write home about. Unless you're writing home about the fact that you're eating a sandwich in a beautiful park in Australia. Then, maybe it's something to write home about.
- 1:00 PM - 3:00 PM: Exploring the park. Saw some kookaburras! They actually laughed at me. I swear. It was the most surreal experience of my life. Also, got lost. Found my way back eventually.
- 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Resting my weary bones on a bench. Watching the world go by. Realized I'm actually starting to enjoy myself. Maybe Perth isn't so bad after all.
- 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM: Back to the B&B.
- 5:00 PM - 7:00 PM: Dinner at Ellard. Tonight's special:…I don't even want to know. I'm just going to eat it and pretend it's delicious.
- 7:00 PM - Bedtime: Bed. Feeling surprisingly okay with everything. Maybe I'm finally adapting to the Perth pace of life. Or maybe I'm just exhausted.
Day 4: The Swan Valley & Wine (aka, "I'm Not a Wine Person, But Here I Am")
- Morning (7:00 AM - 9:00 AM): Breakfast. The mystery ingredient: something that tastes vaguely of…nothing. I'm starting to think Margaret is experimenting on me.
- 9:00 AM - 10:00 AM: Swan Valley tour! I'm not a wine person. I know nothing about wine. I’m more of a "beer and a bag of chips" kinda girl. But, hey, when in Rome… or Perth.
- **10
Escape to Perth Paradise: Ellard Bed & Breakfast Awaits! (Or Does It?) - A Messy FAQ
Okay, so… Ellard B&B. Sounds idyllic. But is it *actually* paradise? Spill the tea!
Alright, alright, let's get real. "Paradise"? That's a big word, isn't it? Look, Ellard isn't *literally* paradise. Unless your idea of paradise involves a slightly wonky shower head (more on that later), the incessant chirping of kookaburras at dawn (blissful for the first two days, then… well, you get the picture), and the occasional rogue spider deciding to admire your reading material.
BUT! (and this is a big but, like, a 'had-too-many-scones-at-breakfast' kind of big but) it's *close*. It's got a certain… *je ne sais quoi*. It's the kind of place where you can genuinely unwind, even if you spend the first hour trying to figure out how the remote control works (seriously, what is with those buttons?!).
What's the food situation like? Breakfast, specifically. Because, let's be honest, that's the MOST important part.
Oh. My. Gawd. The breakfast. Prepare to loosen your belt. Seriously. I went in expecting a continental breakfast, you know, the usual suspects: toast, cereal, maybe a sad little croissant. NOPE.
We're talking a *full* cooked breakfast. Think: fluffy scrambled eggs, crispy bacon that actually *snaps* when you bite into it, sausages that don't resemble cardboard, and the best damn pancakes I've ever had in my life. I swear, they were practically whispering sweet nothings to my taste buds. The owner, Brenda, is a culinary genius. She clearly loves feeding people. Which is good, because I love being fed.
My only complaint? I couldn't physically eat *everything* she offered. I was so stuffed by the end of the first morning, I waddled around like a very happy, bacon-filled penguin. And the coffee? Strong. Like, "wake you up and make you question your life choices" strong. Perfect.
The rooms… are they actually nice? Or just "nice for a B&B"?
Okay, this is where the "slightly wonky shower head" comes in. The rooms are lovely, genuinely lovely. They're clean, comfortable, and decorated with a charming, slightly old-fashioned style. Think: floral wallpaper, antique furniture, and enough pillows to build a small fort.
But (here it comes...) my shower head. It had a mind of its own. It would spray in random directions, sometimes straight up, sometimes at the wall, occasionally, like a mischievous imp, directly into my face. I spent a good ten minutes the first morning just trying to get the water to, you know, actually *shower* me. It was a minor inconvenience, sure, but it was also kind of hilarious. It added a certain… character. And the water pressure was fantastic when it *did* decide to cooperate.
Honestly? I'd take a wonky shower head and charm over a sterile, boring hotel room any day. Plus, it gave me a good story to tell.
Is it noisy? I need peace and quiet.
Mostly. The kookaburras, as mentioned, are VERY enthusiastic about the dawn chorus. Get ready for them, or invest in some earplugs. Other than that, it’s pretty quiet. You might hear the occasional car, but it's not a busy road. You'll definitely hear Brenda bustling around in the kitchen, but honestly, that's a comforting sound, especially when you know what deliciousness is about to emerge.
What's the location like? Is it close to things?
It’s a bit of a drive from the main city, which is both a pro and a con. Pro: You're surrounded by nature, you can actually breathe fresh air, and you're away from the hustle and bustle. Con: You need a car. Like, seriously, you NEED a car. Public transport isn't exactly Ellard's strong suit. But once you have a car, you're within easy driving distance of beaches, wineries, and all sorts of lovely things.
There's a cute little town nearby with a few shops and restaurants, which is perfect for a leisurely afternoon wander. Just don’t expect a bustling metropolis. This is about relaxing, people. Embrace the slower pace!
Brenda! Tell me about Brenda! She's the owner, right? What's she like?
Brenda is… a force of nature. She’s the heart and soul of Ellard. Imagine a warm, welcoming hug in human form. She's incredibly friendly, genuinely interested in her guests, and she's got a laugh that could probably power a small city.
She’s also a bit of a character. She'll happily chat with you for hours, offering local tips, sharing stories, and generally making you feel like you're visiting a long-lost relative. She's not the type to hover, though. She gives you space to relax and enjoy your stay, but she's always there if you need anything.
One time, I was struggling to open a bottle of wine (don't judge, I'm not a wine expert!), and she just appeared, like a wine-opening fairy godmother. She not only opened it for me but also poured me a glass and offered me a cheese platter. Legend.
Are there any downsides? Be honest!
Okay, okay, let's get the negatives out of the way. The aforementioned wonky shower head. The kookaburras. The slightly dodgy Wi-Fi (it works, but it's not lightning fast). And, if you're a light sleeper, the possibility of being woken up by the aforementioned kookaburras.
But honestly? That's it. Those are the only real complaints I can muster. And they're all pretty minor. The positives far outweigh the negatives. Besides, a little bit of imperfection is what makes life interesting, right?
Would you go back?
In a heartbeat. I'm already planning my return trip. I miss Brenda's breakfasts, I miss the peace and quiet (once the kookaburras have finished their morning concert!), and I even kind of miss the wonky shower head. It's a small price to pay for a few days of pure bliss. Ellard isn't perfect, but it's perfectly charming, and that's more than enough for meHoneymoon Havenst
